Over the years I’ve amassed a fair amount of email addresses and with that comes a fair amount of spam. Normally, I’d let the spam filters pick these up and I don’t really bother with them but of late some of the ones I’ve received have been a tad, shall we say, odd…
Example No 1;
Sender : Antonio Stanford
Subject : Leather jacket Ice Snail Sphere Shower Vampire Hammer
What to make of that title? A cool looking Arctic inhabiting mollusc with a shower related vampiric threat complex?
Holidays are here and its time to Shop
We carry all types of gifts for You and Your Loved ones
Come Visit us now
Ahhhh, yes of course. Obvious really wasn’t it? So I braved the link and visited the website. No Vampires. No Snails. No Hammers. Just shitty replica watches. Crazy. False advertising if anything.
Example No 2;
Sender : peony karhu
Subject : ekilydal
Even better. Do I click on this or do I google it to see just what that subject means? Then it clicks. It’s ladylike backwards…. Sod it. Lets have a look anyway. It might be pr0n.
Make your dragon loooooong and hard as a rock
Few discuss? Not fucking surprised. Most if not all people don’t own dragons. They’re not even real.
Now for my favourite….
Example No 3;
Sender : Maynard Maloney
Subject : if you like cumming on tits, now you can smother her in your sperm which will be boosted by up to 500%! thats heaps.
Wow. Pretty forward in these emails aren’t they. Firstly, considering the majority of computer users are geeks they’ll be pretty smart when it comes to general arithmetic so there’s really no need to point out that 500% is heaps. That’s obvious. Secondly, the average volume of semen produced at ejaculation is 2 to 5ml. Multiply that by 500% gets you 25ml of semen. What woman wants nearly a 2 thirds of a can of Coke coming (no pun intended (well almost)) at her?
Delving further, according to the email “People judge your dick size by your shoes sizes. With Xtrasize+ you don’t have to wear bigger shoes to make women think you have a huge dick.” I must have missed that particular Sex Ed class at school. Not only that. If that was true, why don’t supermodels date Clowns?
Hang on… Pete Doherty anyone?
Spam. The new comedy.