Drug Trials

I think its fair to say that the recent coverage of the drugs trials show that those ones are not that safe to take….

“Lucky” Raste Khan was one of two volunteers which took a placebo dose. He said that “Some screamed out that their heads felt like they were going to explode”. It has yet to be confirmed whether he stumbled in to audition of a remake of the David Cronenberg 1981 classic Scanners. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not taking the piss but if you partake in a Russian roulette drugs trial then surely you accept the risks that something untoward may happen. Since this has occurred all kinds of stories have surfaced. My favourite has been in the Sun “The head of trainee plumber Ryan Wilson, 21, is three times its normal size and his limbs are purple. Doctors said his chances of survival were slim.”

Fuck off. Three times the size? I’m not having that. Even if it is true, what have the Sun gone and done with their compassionate ways? Called him “Elephant Man” that’s what. Just what you need when you are on your last legs, to be compared to John Merrick.

What this does bring to the fore is the argument for or against testing on animals. I ‘m not for it and I agree that its somewhat cruel to force feed a drug through the eyes of a small lab rat but hey it ain’t me that’s going to end up with a head three times the size of Old Trafford. What’s the alternative? Picture the scene;

Hospital waiting room.

Red eyed lady and stern faced doctor face to face.

“I’m sorry Mrs Smith. We did everything to help him and our last resort was to use TGN1412.”

“Why didn’t it work” Mrs Smith says sobbing uncontrollably

“Well. We only tried it on a loaf of bread and a venus flytrap”

Mrs Smith manages “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh” before collapsing to the ground.

“Nurse. Get the TNG 1412. Maybe this time it’ll work”

Anyways, if the Animal Testing protestors don’t agree they can put themselves forward. I’d like to see the outcome of force feeding Bulghur Wheat cocktails laced with TGN 1412 has on a hippy whilst trying to “help mankind”. [quote Unlucky Drug Taker]

Celebrity Big Brother

The normal Big Brother (if you can call it that) gets my attention. Despite it being shown in the summer when I should be in beer gardens rather than in front of the idiot box, it is mindless TV. The idiots on there make me laugh but why do we allow washed up celebs and D-lists back on to TV in an effort to rejuvinate or in some cases apply the lethal injection to their careers? This is terrible TV of the highest order.

The most amusing thing to come out of this series (I dont watch it honest, I read the BBC news website) is scary fat-lipped scouser Pete Burns. Here are some quotes from the official Dead Or Alive website.

“In many ways Pete is Madonna’s counterpart”

Yeah on account of all the records he’s sold and the fact that he is a worldwide megastar….

“He has gone through a series of successful re-inventions in his long career”

What re-invention is that then? Stuffing his lips so they look like two slugs with high blood pressure?

Well apparently he is looking like being in trouble for wearing a coat made from Gorilla fur. If this turns out to be true they should set a big silverback on him.

Pete Burns Fella
Maybe then he could be forced to “spin right round baby” and be vigoursly entered by said Gorilla. That would teach him. Bummed to death on Live TV. Now that would get me watching it. Are you listening Channel 4?

Interstellar Paul McCartney Transmissions

According to the news today Sir Paul McCartney has performed a live gig for an audience in space. An audience of 2……

Wow. Looks like the millions of dollars NASA have invested in the space program over the years are finally beginning to pay off. What next? Food Network shows on how to cook your next packet of space glob?

This is a foolish move on the behalf of NASA and their Russian counterparts. If there really are life forms out there, and should they have intercepted this transmission, what would they think of Earth? I tell you what they would have thought. “Look at the soft humans. Always singing about frogs. Quick Herzog !! Get the fleshy human destroying gun. The planet is ours”

To avoid such invasions we should be transmitting round the clock loops of Marilyn Manson or Rammstein. That should do. Or go one better. Send ’em up to space. Phil Collins gets my vote. No spacesuit required.

Phil Collins Airbourne Death Pipe

For those of you who don’t know. I’ve just returned from my hols in a sunnier place than home. Certainly sunnier than home at the moment. Ever since getting off the plane nearly 48 hours ago it’s managed to constantly piss it down. Now I fully understand that we are in Autumn but for chrissakes this is taking the piss (or should that be giving it). Anyway, I digress. One of the joys of venturing anywhere further than France in a plane are the joys of in-flight entertainment. Second to the joys of having red hot pokers thrust into your eyes that is. In-flight entertainment generally consists of episodes of The Simpsons which you first saw over 10 years ago, Scooby-Doo, 12 certificate films with all the best bits taken out as to not upset the likkle chillun and DVT exercise videos with Mr Motivator (here’s an idea – take a few more rows of seats out, put the price up by a tenner for the privilege and maybe I wont die of cramp never mind DVT). Well this time for me it was the nadir of in-flight entertainment. A music show was on called Noisebomb or Acoustic Guff or something and as someone who likes his music the show managed to tear me away from mindlessly chewing the seat in front of me. That was until I saw the subject of this show. Phil “Potato Face” Collins, drummer graduate extraordinaire. The show featured clips from his new DVD “Phil Collins – Finally – The First Farewell Tour”. Didn’t quite catch it? Here you are again, “Phil Collins – Finally – The First Farewell Tour”. How arrogant is that? First farewell tour!!! Like anybody wants him to say bye twice? Like anybody wants to see his fat Buster face lolling on top of his snowman body telling us all how he can’t dance and doesn’t require a jacket. I’ve never being a big fan of Phil Collins but obviously some people are. According to the review of some PhiLover on Amazon he “is in good vocal shape, but not as amazing as on the Live And Loose In Paris release from ’97” Nothing is ever loose on Phil Collins. Trust me. Not even a 4 man tent. Maybe I’m being a bit harsh on Bob Hoskin’s stunt double and to be honest it’s more a rant at in flight entertainment than anything else. I mean, does a plane full of Ayia Napa gurners really want to watch Phil Collins? Air companies, please do some demographic studies on your flights before something like this pushes people over the edge and you land with a winged death pipe consisting of 150 slaughtered passengers and crew.

Also Liverpool, Champions of Europe, lost to Crystal Palace in the League Cup. Shame that.
He’s nearly crying…..

p.s. If you’re reading Phil, sorry if I’ve upset you but Dave Grohl is how to graduate from the drums. You wont find him sound tracking Disney movies

Everybody else is doing so why can’t I?

In typical Johnny-come-lately fashion I’ve decided to commit the contents of my insignificant headguts on to the electronic superhighway. Yes, I’ve decided to create a blog. For the uninitiated and those who’ve been hiding in the back of Poundland for the last ten years and the last technical wonderment you gazed upon was Betamax, ZX spectrum, or speak-and-spell then this is the Internet you’re currently using. The Internet is not just a place to illegally swap and download music or catch the latest developments in the world of Dwarf porn, it’s also home to Weblogs or commonly known as Blogs. Blogs allow idiots like me to pontificate whenever and on whatever topics make our grey matter turn over on a day to day basis, to anyone who has had the misfortune to come across them. So if I’ve whetted your appetite with this somewhat over elaborate prose, the two of you can come back on a regular basis to see what shite I’m spouting. If the site isn’t updated regularly, (lets be honest that would be nothing new), I’ve probably died or due to my short attention span shifted my focus onto something else, like donkey dissection or the study of the relocation of Mbuti Pygmies from their African habitat to Milton Keynes. Thinking about it, that would make a great reality TV show. Episode 1 – Pygmie Roundabout Confusion. Head Pygmie confuses Milton Keynes roundabout with extinguised sun and takes his own life. Maybe I’ve stumbled on something there…