Need Cheering Up?

What a sporting week this has been for our nation. The national football team are more than likely not going to qualify for Euro 2008 championships after strugging against “footballng superpower” Russia. The Rugby Union team struggle to overturn the Springboks and Lewis Hamilton’s chance of capturing the F1 crown in his first season slips away from him at the final race in Brazil. If you give a shit then you’re probably down in the dumps and could do with cheering up. You could do worse than check out Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job for a quick laugh. First brought to my attention by a Peter Serafainwicz interview for the Guardian in which he claims it to be “the funniest US comedy for years”. Not sure about that but it does have it’s moments of brilliance particularly Dr Steve Brule. You can catch it on Adult Swim here in the UK (late night on Bravo) or in the States (late night Cartoon Network). For those who cant be arsed to sit up and wait for this or dont have Sky, cable, etc, here’s the first episode.

Enjoy !

Boys on the Beach

Ahhh, Scarborough. Holiday destination of my youth. Nowadays a Max Power drag strip shouldered by failing arcades and dodgy fish and chips but still manages to attract the entire population of Yorkshire on a bank holiday. Famous for featuring in the film Little Voice, being the place where Anne Bronte died, having a castle that I’ve never been to and erm..erm..Peasholme Park where geeky model making fanatics re-enact the Battle of the River Plate throughout the summer. Now we can extend this exhaustive list even further as everyone’s favourite Chav rapper Devvo has filmed the video for his reggae tinged classic, Boys on the Beach, in Scarborough’s South Bay.

All together now ! “Wing Commander, get me a Stella….”

This weekend Matthew…

…I’m going to be a boring sod. Friday night rolls round and I am completely alcohol free. It’s not like I’m on call either it’s just that the thought of attempting today’s painting of the bedroom with a cloudy head means I avoid juice. So the two bottles of wine which are set aside for my consumption will have to wait. Painting and decorating means you have to have the windows open, either that or trip out, and with the open windows comes the annoyance of flies. Why cant flies “get” windows? They learn pretty sharpish how to scoff shit. You’d have thought they’d have grasped the concept of transparent materials by now.

Nice to see United at the top of the league for the first time this month and also nice to see that they have finally got round to scoring more than one goal in this afternoon’s 4-0 win over Wigan. To be honest I don’t care if they score one, four or 15 as long as the other side scores less.

Well, I can’t spend all day clogging the interweb pipes up with my ramblings for an audience of five. I’ve got painting to do so I can get pissed.

Not dead then?

I am well aware that the updates on this site have not occurred over the past month or so. Simple fact of the matter is that I’ve been busy soaking up the summer sun and having fun at birthdays and the such. Of course, this is absolute bullshit. We have had what must amount to a total of 3 weeks of sun this summer. People are claiming this is down to global warming. They may be on to something as the rain was most definitely warm as it soaked me through to the bone on my way into the office.

It’s not all bad though. The new football season is upon us and it’s turning out to be the strangest season in for a long time. City top the league, Owen is back fit only to find he now plays for a team which he doesn’t fit in to, my beloved United can’t seem to score any goals (not helped by an injured Rooney, banned Ronaldo and a non-match fit Tevez) and are floundering at 16th, and I’m doing shite in the Fantasy Football. Nothing new there though.

It’s nice to see that the Internet never changes and is full of the usual oddballs. My brother brought to my attention an internet star in the making but for all the wrong reasons. JonnyMas93 aka Jonathan Masongsong of New York City is my new You Tube star find. Here is Jonny entertaining the virtual masses with his rendition of James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful”;

I like to think the reason he keeps looking to the left is in fear of the man pointing a gun forcing him to sing this god awful song out of key. Either that or he is singing it to his sister with whom he is having an incestuous relationship with. Who knows…

At least it isn’t as bad as the version of Mika’s Grace Kelly Jonny and his friend have committed to film

Car crash viewing par excellence.

Farewell to a Fishman

If like me, give or take a few years away at higher education, you’ve spent pretty much all your life in Wakefield, you in time will have crossed paths with Smithy aka Supercockle aka Geoff the Fishman. Well, sad news is upon us. The fishy one has shuffled off this mortal coil. For years Geoff had trundled round Wakefield pubs and clubs in his Morris Minor selling Crabsticks, Prawn Cocktails, Peperamis, Cockles and Mussels to the drunken revellers who,after 5 or 6 pints, Geoff was a sight to behold. From having my parents manage pubs throughout Wakefield from 1980 until their Lupset swansong in 2006, Geoff has supplied me with many a late Kershaw’s fishfood supper since I was a wee nipper. He was an absolute star, a lovely bloke and will be sorely missed.

R.I.P Fishman

Rain in Spain falls…

You go to Madrid for five days for a wedding. It’s pissing it down. You stay cooped up in your hotel because the Spaniards are having the worst rain in fifty years. You land back on UK soil. It’s pissing it down. You go to Sheffield to watch Reverend and the Makers (photos are in, well, erm, the photos section) and want to make a day of it bouncing round pubs. It’s pissing it down. You want to sit in the garden having a few drinks on a bank holiday Monday. It’s pissing it down. British Weather eh? Pfft.

So to combat the boredom and to save me from swinging from the nearest crossbeam I decided to get my arse into gear and finally put some new photos up. If you’re on them, enjoy. If not, come out for a beer sometime. It’s always an adventure….

Meanwhile in other news, get yourself out your local record store and invest in the latest in the always decent DJ Kicks series. This time comes the turn of Hot Chip to provide us with an insight into their musical tastes and it’s somewhat aces. Buy it (or obtain it by nefarious means but on your conscious be it).

Also, White Stripes imminent return to the music scene is upon us with their new track “Icky Thump”. Someone should tell them it’s Ecky Thump but they probably know this and are purposefully riling the Yorkshire population. As expected, the new single is as mad as a bag of cats with Jack doing a his best Robert Plant impression over what sounds like a stylophone and Meg doing what she always does, drumming….in….time….to….a….metronome….

Anyways, check it out;

Paris Idiot

According to an article in the Times today, Paris Hilton thinks that she should be spared from serving a 45-day jail sentence for a drink driving offence because “she provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our mundane lives.” Firstly, the way that she thinks that her “celebrity status” or money somehow elevates her above the law stinks. She broke the law, as many of us do but she got caught so she should deal with it. Secondly, the fact that she claims to provide beauty and excitement. Not in my eyes she doesn’t. Not unless you consider a dodgy porn tape exciting and an annoying pout coupled with a car alighting upskirt shot to be beauty. Fair enough, she scrubs up well but she is no beauty. The fact that her fate lays in the hands of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger makes this even more bizarre. I reckon he should stick rods up to her request, march her into jail personally, dressed as T-800 and with her dressed as Sarah Connor. Purely for shits and giggles like.

Nags & Slow News

The Grand National takes place in Aintree today. It’s that time of year again where thousands people who otherwise have no interest in the gee-gees become obsessed with the 40 horse lottery of Liverpool. For some this means vast winnings, for some vast losses but the majority of people, me included, see it as an excuse for a pub visit and a out of the norm bet. It’s a laugh though and who knows my horse might do it for me. Although saying that it’s not much of a laugh for the horses I guess. They have a afternoon of hedges, whippings, potential death and a one way visit to the glue factory. My money is on L’Ami so heres hoping…

It must be a slow news day as all over the press this morning are reports of Prince William splitting from long term partner Kate posh-totty Middleton. How is this front page news? Why is this the lead 10 o’clock story on Sky News? Why are journalists giving live satellite feeds from outside their houses? They’re a mid twenties couple who have separated. Granted it’s royalty but christ, the way the press are reacting it’s like this never happens to youngsters nowadays. Considering today is a Saturday, there must have been plenty of Stella Artois and blue WKD instigated arguments across the high streets of Britain last night. Many of these will have resulted in the usual vomiting taxi journeys, shit-in-a-tray takeaway punch ups, and A&E visits but I’ll put money on there being countless relationship break ups and fall outs too. It inevitable but you don’t get the Sun, Daily Mirror or the Guardian camped at the bottom of Wakefield High Street waiting to interview Sharon and Dave on account of him touching some girls arse. I can’t figure out why not. It’s no more interesting than seeing the real-life soap opera of the Royal parasites pan out across the red-tops and broadsheets. The irony of all this is that they have reportedly split due to the intense media pressure surrounding the relationship. Looks like this should stop it then…


Apparently there are 50 times more bacteria on your kitchen chopping board than on your toilet seat. I wonder if the person researching this now chops his food on the shitter and sits on his chopping board? Perhaps he or she doesn’t use a chopping board at all. Imagine the state of their kitchen surfaces. Perhaps they don’t use knives to avoid marking the surfaces. They would have to use their hands like cave dwellers. I’m not having a sandwich they make. Imagine the bacteria on it.