Category: funny

Spam Spam Spam and more Spam

Over the years I’ve amassed a fair amount of email addresses and with that comes a fair amount of spam. Normally, I’d let the spam filters pick these up and I don’t really bother with them but of late some of the ones I’ve received have been a tad, shall we say, odd…

Example No 1;

Sender : Antonio Stanford
Subject : Leather jacket Ice Snail Sphere Shower Vampire Hammer

What to make of that title? A cool looking Arctic inhabiting mollusc with a shower related vampiric threat complex?

Holidays are here and its time to Shop
We carry all types of gifts for You and Your Loved ones
Come Visit us now
http://bhk.vxtr.secognostobi.com

Ahhhh, yes of course. Obvious really wasn’t it? So I braved the link and visited the website. No Vampires. No Snails. No Hammers. Just shitty replica watches. Crazy. False advertising if anything.

Example No 2;

Sender : peony karhu
Subject : ekilydal

Even better. Do I click on this or do I google it to see just what that subject means? Then it clicks. It’s ladylike backwards…. Sod it. Lets have a look anyway. It might be pr0n.

Make your dragon loooooong and hard as a rock
asdfasdf sexton
http://www.fewdiscuss.com/

Few discuss? Not fucking surprised. Most if not all people don’t own dragons. They’re not even real.

Now for my favourite….

Example No 3;

Sender : Maynard Maloney
Subject : if you like cumming on tits, now you can smother her in your sperm which will be boosted by up to 500%! thats heaps.

Wow. Pretty forward in these emails aren’t they. Firstly, considering the majority of computer users are geeks they’ll be pretty smart when it comes to general arithmetic so there’s really no need to point out that 500% is heaps. That’s obvious. Secondly, the average volume of semen produced at ejaculation is 2 to 5ml. Multiply that by 500% gets you 25ml of semen. What woman wants nearly a 2 thirds of a can of Coke coming (no pun intended (well almost)) at her?

Delving further, according to the email “People judge your dick size by your shoes sizes. With Xtrasize+ you don’t have to wear bigger shoes to make women think you have a huge dick.” I must have missed that particular Sex Ed class at school. Not only that. If that was true, why don’t supermodels date Clowns?

Hang on… Pete Doherty anyone?

Spam. The new comedy.

Bank Holiday Donny Solider

Bank Holidays are great. They’re even better when I’m not on call. This means I can attempt to drink my own body weight in alcohol. I popped along to Escobar in Wakefield on Friday night to watch Devvo, who’s touring to promote his new DVD and album “From Yorkshire To New York”. The place was rammed and Devvo was pretty funny. He did all his classics, Crystal Meffin, Boys On The Beach, Donny Soldier, and Fuck Em Yung.

He went down a storm with the crowd cos he were proper boshty as owt like. Anyway, must dash. Pub is calling…

Catted in the face !

Cats tend to be incredibly single minded when they want to be. By nature they are an independent creature who do what they want and when they want to. So when the cat in the below video started chelping on you’d have thought the lady would have taken heed.
Good job she didn’t because it makes for piss funny TV. Try not to cry my dear…

Drunk or Stupid? Both

When alcohol and phones come into contact with each other strange things can happen. In the past I’ve dropped my mobile down a public toilet, told my mum I’ve just been involved in an horrific car accident (sorry mum) and made the usual crank calls to random numbers amongst others but nothing as stupid as this guy. He is clearly as stupid as he looks in the accompanying video.

Obviously not a Star Wars fan…..

How the hell can you tell?

I came across some interesting news recently;

Polish Police Are Searching For Farting Dissident

This prompted me to think, perhaps a little too much, on how is it we tell we whether a fart is being disrespectful? Could it be that the tone of the fart was merely misunderstood by the over zealous lawman? How do you explain to the lawman that the fart was complementary? That perhaps it was merely stating how beautiful his wife and children are and that he wishes them a long and prosperous life full of happiness and joy. Just because a farts stink doesn?t mean their hearts aren?t in the right place. Poland is clearly a frightening place to live and something where I, for I have been known to break wind on the odd occasion, wouldn?t like to end up after 12 pints of Stella and a Chicken Madras. If this is high crime in Poland, I’m never going. After all it must be up there with regicide and heroin smuggling for them to alert Interpol.

Bit of advice for you Polish, lay off the Bigos in future. All that cabbage can cause havoc with your guts. Next thing you know you’ll be up for the death sentence.

As for their Russian neighbors…..

Just how strong is that Vodka !?!?