Tis the Season to be Damning

Damn you Microsoft, damn you straight to hell. Damn you Rockstar, damn you straight to hell too. I’ve had the pleasure of a day off work today and rather than do something sensible like a bit of DIY, perhaps put a window in my shed (long story) or take a stroll in the brisk winter air picking up porno mags from railway sidings I happened by the Xbox 360 on button and my copy of Rockstar Table Tennis. Jesus (no blasphemer), it’s a digital version of smack but without the teeth loss, bad skin, and inevitable death.

I picked the game up back in May when it was originally released. At 20 quid, it was incredibly cheap and my Scottish bloodline just couldn’t resist. I played it a little bit on-line and off realised I was remarkably shit at it and lo it came to..erm..rest on the shelf making way for some other graphics over content barrage on the senses.

“Just when I thought that I was out they pull me back in !!” Micheal Coreleone Sullivan Gill

So rather than go out the house today and scare pensioners with a shitty stick I decided to give Table Tennis another go. Not a good decision. I have run the entire gamut of human emotions playing this today. The joypad has been this far from exited via the window countless times. I’ve screamed with joy so much I beginning to sound like my rutting neighbours. I’ve been abusive, dirty (I’ve defecated in my jeans several times rather than make the few steps to the nearest WC), cruel (kicked the cat), suffered immeasurable highs and lows but still I keep going back for more. Hence the smack comparison. However, Pete Doherty, Anthony Kiedis, and Ant and Dec (not yet proven) can go to Rehab for a detox. What can I do…… I need help.

For me it’s too late. I am beyond redemption. But for those of you haven’t purchased this or played it. I urge you don’t. Just go see your friendly neighbourhood drug dealer instead. Herion is cool. Haven’t you seen Trainspotting? It looks a right old laugh.

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